The Official Partnership Application of
Anxious Heart Inc.
(Reply via Email Only.)
This document must be filled out in it's entirety to be considered for the position that you are applying for. Be completely honest with all information provided. All information provided in this form will be cross referenced with myspace and/or facebook profiles.
Basic Information
Name:____________________________________ D.O.B._______________________
Height: ____ Weight: _____ Cup Size:_________
Hair Color:______ Eye Color:____ Hair Length:___________
# of Piercings: _______
Where:______________________________________________
# of Tattoos:_________
Where:______________________________________________
Home Town: _____________________________________
Current: ________________________________________
Religion: ________________________ Heritage/Nationality:_______________________
Education:_____________ Major/Degree: ________________
Contact Information
Myspace URL:________________________________
Facebook URL:________________________________
Y!, AIM, or MSN (specify)________________________
Personal Information (circle one)
Are you a Virgin? Y / N
Are you a smoker? Y / N / Trying to quit
Do you have illegitimate children? Y /N
Do you want children? Y / N
Do you work out? Y / N
Do you need to work out? Y / N
Can you cook? Y / N
Can you clean? Y / N
Family Information
Do medical issues run in your family? Y / N
Details to be discussed formally at a time to be specified later.
Do you get along with your family? Y / N
If no, explain: _____________________________________________________________
Does your family have a history of mental illness? Y / N
If yes, explain:_____________________________________________________________
Does your family have a history of divorce? Y / N
If yes, explain:_____________________________________________________________
Does your family have a history of violence? Y / N
If yes, explain:_____________________________________________________________
Here at Anxious Heart Inc, we don't believe in formal background checks. However, we have established our own system of evaluating your past experiences that constitute the physical, mental, and spiritual duties utilized to perform the required work. Consideration of your application may or may not depend on the level of your fail. You will be allowed to explain the epicness of your fail in a formal interview.
FAIL Check (circle one)
Are you a lady in the streets but a freak in the bed? Y / Fail
Is your credit FUBAR? Fail / N
Is your blood clean? Y / Fail
Is your hair real? Y / Fail
Is your head game off the chain? Y / Fail
Can you pass a drug screening? Y / Fail
Do you have all of your teeth? Y / Fail
Do you find life to be an abysmal purgatory designed to torment you? Fail / N
Do small children cry when you enter a room with them? Fail / N
Do you have a name tattooed on you? Fail / N
dO yOu lYke To tYPe LykE dIs? fAIl / N
Do you laugh like a horse or have any other insanely annoying quirks? Fail / N
Do you have multiple baby daddies? Fail / N
Does it look like Fern Gully between your legs? Fail / N
Have you ever had a train run on you? Fail / N
Have you ever had/considered a sex change? Fail / N
Is Lil Wayne the best rapper alive? Fail / N
Is your dad a muscle bound marine? Fail / N
Was the last time you saw natural light a forced outing? Fail / N
One of the beliefs that makes Anxious Heart Inc. a worthwhile undertaking is that this isn't a just a job or career being offered. It's a partnership with room for advancement. All accepted applicants start out as a partner in crime later to be promoted to fiance and ultimately to wifey. These positions have various responsibilities and benefits critical to the partnership. Failure to comply with the demands of your current position will result in immediate termination. Here, you will be evaluated for reliability through past performances.
Ex-Information
Start Date: _________________ End Date:_______________
Were you in love?_________
How much better looking am I? __________
Reason for break up:________________________
Start Date: _________________ End Date:_______________
Were you in love?_________
How much better looking am I? __________
Reason for break up:_________________________
Start Date: _________________ End Date:_______________
Were you in love?_________
How much better looking am I? __________
Reason for break up:_________________________
Other Qualifications
Briefly discuss your relationship goals:
Briefly discuss why I should partner with you:
List any special skills or tricks at your disposal that are relevant to the position you're applying for or are bent in:
Benefits
One of the greatest benefits of partnering with Anxious Heart Inc is having a reliable, attractive, goal oriented, adventurous, and fun gentleman on your arm. We believe in commitment, honor, and respect. These values will be taught and shared with the future heirs of this firm.
The success of AHI is the direct result of dedication to the partnership formed. Hard work is rewarded with benefits that enhance the lives of both parties. These rewards include auto, medical, dental, and life insurance. Along with this complete coverage plan comes annual bonuses for birthdays, holidays, and days to be selected on impulse. Paid vacations and sick leave also available.
Agreement
I certify that the information given by me in this application is true to my knowledge and I give you the authorization by any means you deem appropriate to investigate this. I understand that by filling out this form and submitting it I am not guaranteed to be chosen.
Date:____________________ Signature:__________________________
If it's discovered you're a fan of Fall Out Boy, Panic! At the Disco, Plies, The Ying Yang Twins, and/or any other abominations to the music industry, this contract will instantaneously become null and void. If you stop putting out for any reason, you could face termination as well.
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