Entering a Final Fantasy

( The Ninth Track of Issues )

I sold out my innocence a very long time ago. Every little thing that used to pure about me, I willingly threw away and I continue to do so all the time. I find myself eager to indulge in things that are terrible for my spirit, but I gleefully do so even though I never fail to feel horrible when it's all said and done. I don't know why. Am I going crazy? Have I gone crazy already and I'm just really good at covering it? Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I feel the need to do it? Why do I want to do it? I don't know.

I've been talking to someone new lately. This person has retained her innocence despite the complete bullshit this world is comprised of. I envy her .. a lot. I even admitted it to her. I wish I was still so close to pure like she is. I'm not putting her on a pedestal, but the way she carries herself forces me to confront my own self destructive behavior? I'm back to asking myself the same questions over and over again.

This hurts. Why do I keep doing it anyway? Why do I find this sick pleasure out of pain? This is not what's meant for me. I KNOW I can do better. I'm worth so much more. I know what I am, what I'm capable of, and how good it is to have someone with the things I embody. Yet... I ignore it in favor of spiritual suicide? Am I going crazy?

( The Fifth Track of Issues )

I wonder if there's the same loyalty I pledge to others coming back to me. Are they going to be there when I really need them? Is there any one of them that really understands the way that I think, the way that I feel, the way that I am? Am I wanted? Am I needed? Am I really loved? When I'm down and out, these are the questions that I ask myself. The people in my life know without a doubt I'll be there for them, but who's down for me?

I don't ask a lot of my friends. The vast majority of the time, when my back is up against the wall, I don't even tell anyone. I just handle it myself. I handle all my problems alone. I don't like discussing or sharing them. I'm not the venting type either. I just do whatever needs to be done to push through. That's why when I do really need something, I expect those that I would drop everything for to be there for me. This is when people start showing their true colors. Some of them only care about their needs in the end.

I guess a part of me is afraid to find out that someone I care deeply for will refuse to be there for me in one of those rare moments that I reach out for help. "Who gives a fuck if my life sucks?" That feeling is followed by a lot of anger. People talk and talk and talk about how much they care and how they'll go for a friend in need. It's sickening to see those oaths become words without any meaning at all. "I just know one thing: I won't give up."

( The Third Track of Issues )

Relationships were a trivial thing for me. They were something I studied, rather than an experience I longed to be involved in. I didn't care for the ideas of dating, and I still don't.. not by today's standards. I refused to play a part in this elaborate game that people play with one another. I was just curious to see what the "players" were like, and what the object of the game was.

I found that most people involved, young and old, were immature and stupid. That further pushed me away from the idea to get involved with anyone, until I finally had my first few crushes. They weren't anything big. They were the kind of puppy love most young teenagers go through, so that didn't effect me much. I do remember the first time I had really strong feelings for someone and I was treated like a toy. That was more than enough to push me even further away.

After that incident, more and more came to me to try and toy with me, and I rejected them all. I eventually became bitter towards the idea, yet a part of me wanted the happiness that the tradition of romance is supposed to bring. Because of that, I let a few in, only to push them away. It was hard for me to trust anyone with my feelings, and it still is today.

And so, my mind and heart were set with those ideas. I wanted what could be, but not the liars that were attatched to those dreams. To me, they were useless, and they were just as disposable as the lies these players tell one another. That was the story of my teenage years. I was much to distant and angry to accept the feelings of another. Even during the time where it seemed I could hand pick who I wanted, I had absolutely no interest in anyone at all.

I still feel that way today. Don't tell me you love me unless you can prove it. Don't even tell me you like me. What's there to know about me to like? I've got no idea, because I really don't show that much. I refuse to be anyone's pawn. I'm not a fad or a phase, and I won't be treated like one. As far as I'm concerned, traditional romanticism is close to nonexistant, and I won't settle for anything less. I'll still long for it until I find it and I'm able to keep it though.

It's so unorthodox, I don't know which side I want to attempt to take apart first. Right now, I can think of only the good things, the things that actually make us happy. A touch, a hug, a kiss, that sweet warmth of another (take that however you want lol). Those intimate feelings are so powerful, that we'll fight eachother for them just to have a little taste. Some sort of contact, even if it's done in jest. Even the happiest of couples fight sometimes, and that's expected. We HAVE to fight or we'll drive eachother mad some other way.

Behind the shades, that's what it boils down to when it comes to making one another happy. I think all of us as a generation need to learn how to communicate our feelings more clearly and just be more honest with ourselves and others. Simple things that don't cost anything at all are key elements to happiness with ourselves and others. It's all about those special little details.. Remembering her/his birthday, favorite color, favorite movie, anniversary date(God, how do people forget this?), and other things that define a mate as individual. Cliche'? Yes, but it's true.

(This post isn't metal driven like the other. For those of you keeping tabs, I'm listening to more R&B as this flows out.)

Individuality.. yes, this is a big problem in relationships these days. This is especially true for younger couples, but some people never grow up. We're always copying something else instead of being true to ourselves, which is usually a kid's thing. The kind of kid that needs to fit in with some group. It screws things up in the long term because the light on the lies will eventually reveal the truth. Everything is camouflaged, and hardly any of it is what it seems to be.

Knowledge of self. How well do we know ourselves? Most of the time, we find ourselves diving into a relationship without knowing what makes us happy. It becomes all about that other person. That's good to an extent, but you have to feel the force too. Most of the time when I feel like I should be with someone instead of being single, I think of all the things I have in my life right now and all the things I have planned for the future, and they make me happy. I have a pretty good grip on what kind of person I like and what I need to make myself happy, so that's a go. It's fun to take blind chances too, I must say. You never know what you'll end up with and that's exciting in itself.

Love is an adventure that can be fun, exciting, dangerous, and deadly even. All of it's roads are uncharted and there's never a set path for anyone to take, yet it's fun to just plunge into anyhow. There are dead ends and there are places we shouldn't go on our various explorations (which we never fail to get into anyway), but I guess fear doesn't have a place in the parallel universe that is love. We have to brave (and stupid) enough to do and go anywhere to achieve anything. When it's all said and done, you're cast of your eden and you have to start all over.

Not even true love lasts forever, not in my world. You never know when you'll slam into an adamant object and find yourself hurled into the air to come crashing down someplace far from the mind. Love doesn't have insurance or seatbelts, so be on the lookout for all the obstacles in the middle of the road. Once those wheels start really rolling, you're stuck on that wagon til the bitter end. I advise everyone that sees this to just enjoy the ride while you're on it. When it's all said and done, you should eventually be able to look back and say to yourself that the crash was worth the memories left behind.

You can't control the passenger seat .. and since both of you are attempting to drive anyway, things will spin out of control. Just make sure you leave with your spine intact. Another opportunity to have at the wild ride will eventually present itself.