Trash

[anxious_heart]

how did it start?
well, I don't know
I just feel the craving
I see flesh and it smells fresh
and it's just there for the taking
these little girls,
they make me feel so goddam exhilerated
I feel them up, I can't give it up
the pain I'm just erasing

I tell my lies, and I despise
every second I'm with you
so, I run away
and you still stay
so, what the fuck is with you?

your feelings
I can't help but rape them
I'm sorry, I don't feel the same
my heart inside is constantly hating
I'm sorry, I just throw you away

I don't know why I'm so fucking cold
I don't know why its hurts me
all I wanna is get with you
and make the pain go away
why do I have a conscience?
all it does is fuck with me
why do I have this torment?
all I wanna do is fuck it away

I tell my lies, and I despise
every second I'm with you
so, I run away
and you still stay
so, what the fuck is with you?

your feelings
I can't help but rape them
I'm sorry, I don't feel the same
my heart inside is constantly hating
I'm sorry, I just throw you away

I tell my lies, and I despise
every second I'm with you
so, I run away
and you still stay
so, what the fuck is with you?

your feelings
I can't help but rape them
I'm sorry, I don't feel the same
my heart inside is constantly hating
I'm sorry, I just throw you away

(I)
just throw you away

Relationships were a trivial thing for me. They were something I studied, rather than an experience I longed to be involved in. I didn't care for the ideas of dating, and I still don't.. not by today's standards. I refused to play a part in this elaborate game that people play with one another. I was just curious to see what the "players" were like, and what the object of the game was.

I found that most people involved, young and old, were immature and stupid. That further pushed me away from the idea to get involved with anyone, until I finally had my first few crushes. They weren't anything big. They were the kind of puppy love most young teenagers go through, so that didn't effect me much. I do remember the first time I had really strong feelings for someone and I was treated like a toy. That was more than enough to push me even further away.

After that incident, more and more came to me to try and toy with me, and I rejected them all. I eventually became bitter towards the idea, yet a part of me wanted the happiness that the tradition of romance is supposed to bring. Because of that, I let a few in, only to push them away. It was hard for me to trust anyone with my feelings, and it still is today.

And so, my mind and heart were set with those ideas. I wanted what could be, but not the liars that were attatched to those dreams. To me, they were useless, and they were just as disposable as the lies these players tell one another. That was the story of my teenage years. I was much to distant and angry to accept the feelings of another. Even during the time where it seemed I could hand pick who I wanted, I had absolutely no interest in anyone at all.

I still feel that way today. Don't tell me you love me unless you can prove it. Don't even tell me you like me. What's there to know about me to like? I've got no idea, because I really don't show that much. I refuse to be anyone's pawn. I'm not a fad or a phase, and I won't be treated like one. As far as I'm concerned, traditional romanticism is close to nonexistant, and I won't settle for anything less. I'll still long for it until I find it and I'm able to keep it though.