anxious_heart ◾ ◾ Am I Going Crazy? (DW Version)

Am I going crazy?
Am I going insane and dazed?
Am I too lost to face this?
And what will it cost to escape?
Nothing is right.
I am so scared.

I sold out my innocence a very long time ago. Every little thing that used to pure about me, I willingly threw away and I continue to do so all the time. I find myself eager to indulge in things that are terrible for my spirit, but I gleefully do so even though I never fail to feel horrible when it's all said and done. I don't know why. Am I going crazy? Have I gone crazy already and I'm just really good at covering it? Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I feel the need to do it? Why do I want to do it? I don't know.

I've been talking to someone new lately. This person has retained her innocence despite the complete bullshit this world is comprised of. I envy her .. a lot. I even admitted it to her. I wish I was still so close to pure like she is. I'm not putting her on a pedestal, but the way she carries herself forces me to confront my own self destructive behavior? I'm back to asking myself the same questions over and over again.

This hurts. Why do I keep doing it anyway? Why do I find this sick pleasure out of pain? This is not what's meant for me. I KNOW I can do better. I'm worth so much more. I know what I am, what I'm capable of, and how good it is to have someone with the things I embody. Yet... I ignore it in favor of spiritual suicide? Am I going crazy?